Parenting During a Pandemic - The Ultimate Practice of “Winging It” | A Guest Post by Rev. Susan Eaton
I have been a parent for eighteen years now and I am by no means an expert. Since day one, my husband and I have just been “winging it.” I vividly remember the day we were being discharged from the hospital after I had given birth to our first child, our son. I looked at my husband and said in complete sincerity, “Are they really just sending us home with him? No instructions or anything?” We’ve been winging it ever since.
I think that’s just the way parenting is. We can read books, talk to friends and even our own parents about how to be a good parent, but still, each child is different. Each child has his or her own way of reacting to the world around them. Each child has his or her own personality and anxieties, confidences and fears. The approaches I’ve taken with my son have been very different in many ways from the approaches I’ve taken with my daughter. This is not to say we have a favorite, by any means. They’re just different. What is effective with one will not be as effective with the other. Likewise, what is effective with my children may not be as effective with yours. And so as I share with you the approaches I, as a mom, have taken with my two teenage children during this time of world-wide pandemic and sheltering in place, I’m not sharing advice as much as I am sharing how I’ve simply been winging this whole parenting gig during an unprecedented time in history.
The other bit of information you need to know is that all of this is happening while my son is dealing with some very unprecedented issues of his own. There have been many days when I have wished that a world-wide pandemic and all the disappointments it has brought to his senior year were the only rough terrain we were having to navigate with him right now. Talk about winging it. Even though my husband is a therapist with over a decade of experience working with children and adolescents, and I am a pastor with over twenty years of experience working with students, we are definitely in some new parenting territory that neither of us ever expected. However, there are some principles I’ve chosen to seek and act upon during this time that I have found effective for bringing peace to my own heart, mind, and soul and that seem to be strengthening the relationships I have with my children.
BE A NON-ANXIOUS PRESENCE
Each morning I get up early, make my coffee, go to my favorite spot on the sofa or—since the weather has been so amazing—my favorite spot on my back porch, and spend time alone with the Lord. This has been my practice for years and it is truly what is sustaining me and carrying me through this stressful time in our lives. This is when I pour my heart out. This is when I cry. This is when I tell the Lord about the gut-wrenchingly awful fears that are swirling around inside me. I pray. I write. I vent. I melt. And then I praise him and thank him for listening. This is the only way I know how to make it through the rest of the day with a smile on my face and joy in my heart. This is the only way I know how to be a truly non-anxious presence with my children. I place all my anxieties on the Lord and rely on Him to carry me and strengthen me.
This has been a strong guiding principle for me because I know that my attitude will impact their attitudes. My stress level will impact their stress levels. Therefore, I’m caring for myself first so that I can be what I need to be for them. So, may I encourage you? Do not neglect yourself. Care for your soul. Care for our mind. Care for your body. Do things that bring peace to your own life. This will help you be that non-anxious presence your children need.
FIND THE BALANCE
Since shelter in place began, I’ve been trying to find the right balance between loosening control and being an active presence and voice during the day. I’ve been finding the balance between being too overbearing about their schoolwork and letting them take responsibility for it on their own; between managing the time they spend on their phones or Netflix or Playstation and giving them their space; between giving them plenty of time alone, yet still making sure there is daily time spent with the family. If I’m too “in their face” all the time, I’ll push them away. If I’m too distant or caught up in my own world, I’ll miss some unique opportunities to connect with them. It’s all about the balance.
EMBRACE THE NOW
This time is what it is. But pining away for the end to come so life can get “back to normal” will cause us to miss what is happening right now. For instance, many of us have a lot more access to our children now than we have had in a long time. We should be taking advantage of this access while still maintaining that balance I talked about. Knock on their door. Talk to them. Ask them about what they’re thinking. Listen. Get to know your children and let them get to know you. You are planting seeds today that will produce fruit in the future. Ask yourself, “What seeds am I planting?”
I am actually thankful for this time at home with my children. The spring was shaping up to be chaotically busy. My daughter’s schedule had become so busy between schoolwork and other school activities that we barely had time to see her much less talk with her. And since this is my son’s senior year, he is headed off to college in the fall. This sudden at-home time has been crucially important in our relationship with him. Even with the challenges we’ve been navigating, I wouldn’t change the opportunities we’ve had with him.
I wonder, though—when this pandemic settles down and the activity picks up and our schedules fill back up, what will I carry from THIS time into that time? Will I keep the balance? Will I continue to strive for being a non-anxious presence? Will I lean in and truly listen to my children? I hope so. I hope I’ve learned that every moment is precious, even the moments that don’t look the way I would prefer. I am embracing them all, because these moments are the ones I’ve been given with them.
For you fellow parents out there who are also “winging it”, please receive this last word of encouragement. Don’t forget to give yourself grace and compassion when you struggle or feel like a failure as a parent. You’re not supposed to be an expert or even perfect. Remember, God knows how. Lean on Him. He is the best parent ever and the only One who’s not winging it. He’ll show you the way.
