Hoping Against Hope
4/14/2021
And here I sit…
Feet propped, computer on my lap, rain pattering on the roof. The rain makes it a little easier to be on bed rest. The rain has a way of calming us, of slowing us down. It washes over everything, clearing away the green film of South Mississippi pollen.
In the quiet, in the forced stillness, I’m finally able to sort through my thoughts. To process some of what I’ve been feeling and thinking. December of 2020, I sat in the fertility clinic staring at the same Christmas tree with the same decorations for the third year in a row. It was as if time stood still in that moment, and the reality of this journey we had been on washed over me. After years of longing, of surgeries, of interventions, of devastating loss, there I sat. With the same view, in the same position, in the same chair, feeling no closer- in fact, farther away from my desire to become a mother.
At the very end of January, we got the best news! The news we have been waiting on for three years - we were pregnant! Preston was jumping on the bed excited; I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t let myself believe it at first. I emailed our fertility clinic and went in for blood work that afternoon. They called a few hours later, “Yep, you’re definitely pregnant!” I was still easing into the idea that it could be true, and Preston was ecstatic.
Why wasn’t I more excited? A few hours later, it hit me: it was the two year anniversary of the baby we’d lost. Almost to the day. I realized that the excitement I should feel was masked by fear. It was hard to balance the excitement of our news with the grief of our loss. It was also extremely difficult not to be paralyzed with fear. We had a rough start, but the baby began to grow and her heartbeat began to increase and grow stronger. We went in for weekly checks and finally got our coveted “blue folder” that meant we had officially graduated from our fertility clinic!
We were thankful for a smooth transition to my obgyn’s office. After some early complications, our pregnancy was labeled “high risk”. Morning sickness - really more like night sickness - set in. I was so thankful!! Each time I was sick, I would whisper, “Lord, I’m so thankful to be sick!” Being sick to me was a sign that everything with the pregnancy was developing normally.
Our chromosome testing came back normal - a true miracle when up until this point, my eggs seemed to have chromosomal abnormalities that were incompatible with life. When I hit 13 weeks, officially coming out of the first trimester, I was hopeful we were in the clear! My night sickness was better, my appetite improved, and I seemed to have a little more energy. The following week, we had some more complications that landed me back in the doctor’s office for weekly checks and eventually on bed rest. A humbling and convicting experience. It’s made me realize how uncomfortable I am with silence and stillness. It has convicted me of how much value I place in my work, in what I do. It also has revealed my fear- how scared I am to lose this precious life.
I’d like to share with you a scripture that has been very meaningful to me over the past 4 months. In Romans chapter 4, Paul writes about faith and uses Abraham as a supreme example of faith. He writes, “Abraham believed God and it was counted to him as righteousness,” (verse 3). Then he writes...
17 ...as it is written, “I have made you the father of many nations”—in the presence of the God in whom he believed, who gives life to the dead and calls into existence the things that do not exist. 18 In hope he believed against hope, that he should become the father of many nations, as he had been told, “So shall your offspring be.” 19 He did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body, which was as good as dead (since he was about a hundred years old), or when he considered the barrenness of Sarah's womb. 20 No unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, 21 fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised.
Abraham did not place his faith in his own ability or place his despair in his own weakness. He didn’t “weaken in faith”, but “he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God.” Abraham didn’t allow “unbelief to make him waver concerning the promise of God,” but he was “fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised.”
It’s significant to me that the example Paul gives of Abraham’s faith is a story of God working a miracle in the midst of infertility.
Throughout scripture, over and over again, God deals with this subject and so often we miss it. Paul uses Abraham and Sarah’s testimony to point to His faithfulness. The broader take away, the bigger picture is that we can have faith even in hard places. Wherever you find yourself, whatever situation you feel hopeless in or feel like you’ve been forgotten, you can have faith! We can “in hope believe against hope” (verse 18).
My situation is not nearly as hopeless as that of Abraham and Sarah. Thank goodness God doesn’t hold up a measuring sticks to our situations; he just invites us to trust Him in the midst of them. So I am choosing to have faith. I am planning the baby’s nursery. I am researching what car seat she will need as an act of faith. We are believing with confidence in a miracle for our baby girl. I’m not a “name it and claim it” gal. I learned very early on in life that some things happen that are outside of the will of God because we live in a fallen world, but I do believe that Jesus responds in miracles when we express faith.
The good news is that I’m 17 weeks today and our baby girl looks great! She is growing and developing well. We are so thankful. I am now on modified or limited activity, able to get up and move some. I know that I’m just at the beginning of the journey of trusting God with my child. As a dear friend of mine shared with me, “It doesn’t get easier when they get here. You fear them falling on the playground, getting in a car wreck, or anything could happen to them.” When it’s hard, let’s choose to have faith. When it seems impossible, let’s follow Abraham’s example and be “fully convinced that God is able,” (verse 21). What miracle are you asking for? What situation seems impossible in your life? Let's ask God to increase our faith today.
“For we walk by faith, not by sight.” 2 Corinthians 5:7
